Of Liquids
by vanion
Summary: AU, CRACK, Tez/Ryo. You never know what they’re doing in your cupboard... Edit 2010-01-05: Now with a little Omake.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Of Liquids

Pairing: Tezuka/Ryoma

Notes: AU, CRACK. Rating is...well, I _could _rat it K (it _is _absolutely edible for the innocent eyes), but…you'd have more fun with this story if your mind's a tiny little bit dirty... XD

Disclaimer: I don't own 'The Prince of Tennis' or some of the "things" mentioned.

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He sighed.

He sneaked a peek at the sweet newcomer again (admiring his perfectly formed, smooth body) and sighed once more.

It was love at first sight. Since the sweetie arrived a couple of days earlier, he, the boring no-fun-get-serious type, had only one deepest, overwhelming craving:

To mix liquids with him and become one.

The green can of Tezuka-GreenTea sighed for the n times and eyed the Ryoma-Ponta, adoring the form of the little white and purple can lovingly.

...God, how pathetic! He was the most senior one here, between all the beverages! The one being the very first beverage of all in the cupboard, their buchou! How could he just go and fall for a fresh little carbonated thing that surely still had his price tag on his little bottom?

Hmmm...his cute little bott-

...no. That's beside the point. Even if his feelings for the sweet drink were appropriate, Tezuka-GreenTea still faced a huge dilemma. His greatest wish could never be fulfilled. Ever.

After all, which human being in his right mind would mix green tea and Ponta? It would taste awful! More than awful!

Every other beverage in the cupboard had a much bigger possibility for that luck! The bottle of bubbly Kikumaru-CarrotSportsDrink for example! Or the can of soothing Oishi-MelonJuice! The can of Momo-Sprite, the bottle of Taka-Cola, the bottle of Horio-Gatorade...even the leaking bottle of Kaidoh-MineralWater (Fssssssssssssssshhhhhhh) could all hope to get sticky with the sweet, refreshing Ryoma-Ponta.

And don't even start with the spirituous beverages...

Speak of the devil.

Just as Tezuka-GreenTea thought of those pretentious glassy ones, he saw the shiny bottle of Atobe-Champagne towering over _his_ little soft drink, his purple paper cover crackling egomaniacally.

"Ahn, you and me, Ryoma-Ponta, we'd made the perfect mix. Be awed that Ore-sama's glorious self considers you as worthy enough to come in contact with his golden pearls of godlike taste."

"Mada mada dane, Monkey King."

"Monkey!? How dare you?!"

"You've got the picture of a standing monkey on your chest. Money King."

"YOU!! Are you blind!? That's no monkey, that's a majestic golden lion! Kabaji-Beer! We're leaving! Golden pearls before swine! Ore-sama should have known that peasant drinks don't know due respect!"

"Usu," droned the 1-litre beer barrel. They turned, pretending the cheeky carbonated beverage wasn't standing next to them anymore.

Because, well, it's not like they could...sprout legs and _walk_ away.

"Well done!" cheered Tezuka-GreenTea in his mind.

But the danger was not over. No, it's coming closer.

Usually, for a can or bottle to get from point A to point B, they have to get on their tummy and roll their way, like the last dunce on earth. Or, they could lollop around at snail's pace, like a legless frog. Not the least more stylish...

But that...that _thing_ was gliding around more than elegantly, standing right up. Like it was pushed onward gently by some soft gust of wind. Yes, the bottle of Fuji-Vodka inched closer, silver-blue label glinting tantalizing.

"Hey pretty. Let's open you up slooooowly, nee? Play and pull on your little shiny thingy... I bet your juices taste deliciously sweet and of grape."

'Don't you dare! You cheep Japanese plagiarism of Vodka Gorbatschow! God! What total maniac stored his soft drinks and hard alcohol in the same place! Side by side! Child-proof much!?'

-but before Tezuka-GreenTea could tip over and roll to the Ponta's side for the rescue (style doesn't matter when facing danger), or before the little soft-drink-in-distress could reply with something (hopefully snarky) himself, the cupboard opened and a big human hand appeared.

It reached for Ryoma-Ponta.

'No!' thought Tezuka-GreenTea, inside all panic and outside as unmoving as ever. 'He was with us only for some days! I couldn't--! We couldn't--! Someone's going to drink him all up and I'll never see him again!'

The hand merciless picked the Ponta up and disappeared.

'Noooooooooooooooooooo!'

Then it came into view again and picked up the Sanada-AppleJuice. Next it hovered over the Yukimura-Gin, but in the end took the Fuji-Vodka.

"Saa, a threesome? How nice." He chirped as he was moved pass Tezuka-GreenTea.

The tea simply wanted to cant over and lay forgotten in the cupboard for all eternity.

Next thing he knew, he also was picked up.

What? Maybe the crazy human (putting an innocent soft drink in such close proximity to spirituous beverages!) just wanted to clean the cupboard or something?

No. After Tezuka-GreenTea was put down on the kitchen table, he saw the cupboard door being closed. And right after the door of the open fridge, shutting Fuji-Vodka and Sanada-AppleJuice inside the refrigerator. ("Oh poooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...")

Ah. So only he and Ryoma-Ponta will be drunk right away? By the same person, one after another, or by two different humans, forever robbing him of his only desire?

Speaking of, where was the sweet can?

Tezuka-GreenTea looked around and nearly toppled over. The other can was put down right beside him, he just didn't realize it in his panic.

"Hi buchou." Ryoma-Ponta whispered smugly, and tilted to his side, touching can to can. "Such a well-build body of steel you have. Che, I bet you'd be very good for health, ne buchou."

The green can could feel the place where they touched getting hotter and hotter. Could they manage to melt steel? Maybe they should give it a try?

Alas, all that is good is short-lived. The human hand appeared yet again, heartlessly pulling them apart and, god no, opening up Ryoma-Ponta.

'That's it.' thought Tezuka-GreenTea miserably, and watched how the can of carbonate beverage was tipped over, pouring his sweet, sweet juices into a big, ugly mug.

What the- how dare that mental human commit such a sacrilege!? His Ryoma-Ponta's precious juices, in such a hideous container! And there! Not enough that he was molesting the soft drink, he even made a big mess! On the table, his big, hateful hands, getting all sticky!

Yes, sticky! The green can could feel it all around himself! As he was picked up by the gluey hands, opened and turned over and...er...huh? Yudan sezu ni ikkou! How could he miss that!?

...Yes! Yes!! YES!!! Tezuka-GreenTea was in pure heaven as he felt himself spilling into the ugly mu- the Holy Grail and mixed his liquids with Ryoma-Ponta's, becoming one. At last. He couldn't believe his luck!

In his blissful haze, the ecstatic tea could only caught the sight of square glasses gleaming in the light, before his gaze zeroed in on _his_ little Ryoma-Ponta, now both happily spent. And, was it the light or was that a blush? Maybe he could take a closer look and figure it out, now that he was put down onto the table, next to the white purple can...

Aaaah, what an unbelievable miracle just happened! But how come?

However, as Tezuka-GreenTea basked in the vision of their liquids mixing together and enjoyed the feeling of Ryoma-Ponta touching his side again, he couldn't bring himself to bother. He didn't care about how the wonder came to pass or about what was presently going on around him.

Not that other indefinable ingredients were added to their united fluids (to spice things up presumably), or that the Holy Grail was put into a mixer, or the thunderbolts, the nutty laughter (MUUAAHAHAHA!) and the dramatic background music...

No, the only thing that actually managed to penetrate his sparkly-glittery-rainbows-and-soap-bubble-trance for a few seconds was something like a mumbled:

"Ii data…I shall name it 'Lovey-Dovey Hot-Hot Deluxe Version 1.5'..."

END

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A/N: Before the story, there were the icons.

One Fluffy Version and one Naughty Version (Icons #3A and #3B), feel free to take a look ^-^

http://(nospace)sillk(dot)livejournal(dot)com


	2. Omake

**Omake**

"Hey buchou, I think I've still got enough left inside me to do it again."

He didn't respond, too engrossed in the memory of their fluids joining together.

"Nuh, buchou, how about you?"

The can of Ponta impatiently nudged the can of green tea he was leaning against.

"…ah. Me too."

He hesitated a bit. "But I think this time we should be able to manage it without a helping hand? We are both thoroughly prepared after all."

"Yup, I got opened up all nicely," Ryoma-Ponta chirped.

Tezuka-GreenTea surveyed their surroundings. The human with the glinting square glasses was still crackling in his corner (Muahahaha!), the other beverages were still hidden behind the cupboard door and Fuji-Vodka was still confined in the fridge (Yes!).

Good. Nobody was watching them.

And so, after some careful manoeuvring to find the ideal position and pinpoint prodding and tilting over, they did the dirty and got all sticky together on the kitchen table.

END

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A/N: Written for the Tezu/Ryo Revival 2009 at LJ (and because someone asked me nicely)

Oh, and if you're still looking for the **icons to this fic**, maybe this link's better now:

http : // sillk . livejournal . com / 316 . html # cutid1

(Please take out all blanks)


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